12 steps to self care...

I get to choose my husband.

For that, I am grateful.

現在的香港，究竟是一個怎麼樣的地方?

GC | 10th May 2012 | 隨意想、隨心寫


坐在回家途中的巴士上，我想著兩件事情。

第一件事，為甚麼香港的公共車廂中有這麼多嘈雜聲?




在車廂中，你不愁沒有音樂聽，因為總有人將耳機內的音樂開得很大；

你經常被迫做一個八卦公或八卦婆，因為總有人毫不介意地將自己的家事、公事、無聊事等，透過講電話時大大聲的傳到你耳中；

你的耳朵也隨時被迫做著好像特工進行的"抗疲勞轟炸"訓練一樣，因為總有人不理別人感受，打機、看Video時從不調低聲浪，任由那些低頻爆炸、高頻叮叮噹噹、諸如此類聲音傳於空氣中；

唔，今天已經算好運了，因為沒有人在剪手指甲......

第二件事，我已經有離開香港的準備嗎? 不要誤會，我不是說要「離開香港」，我是說「有離開香港的準備嗎」，我經常想著要逃離香港，因為現在的香港已不是從前我所認識的香港。但如果明天開始，真的叫我放下身邊所有一切去到另一個地方，短時間也不會再回到香港生活又可以嗎?

我這個人就是這樣子，經常在不知不覺間就會胡思亂想。

之前: 罐頭豆豉鯪魚、午餐肉、燒味飯之類是基層大眾的食物，可以說是一眾窮人的欣物。

現在: 罐頭豆豉鯪魚、午餐肉的加價幅度比樓價升得更離譜，一小時最低工資才買到一罐豆豉鯪魚，某快餐店的燒鵝飯更要70大元一碟，痴線! 現在的罐頭豆豉鯪魚、午餐肉、燒味飯是給有錢人吃的。

這是甚麼的通漲?




之前: 也不是很久之前，記得亞記電視有套名為「百萬富翁」的遊戲節目，當時人人想著做百萬富翁，做個有錢人。

現在: 有百萬身家又如何? 在市區，有一百萬也買不起樓，咳! 正確來說，連一間房也買不起。現在富翁的定義是如何? 我不知道，據鞋王三奶所說，身家超過20億的鞋王不算是有錢人，在她心目中李嘉誠及劉鑾雄才是；嘩! 連20億也不算有錢，怪不得最近神棍聰就在記者面前很「謙虛」地說：「我真的很窮，我全副身家就只剩下七億多」。

這是甚麼的價值觀?




之前: 從前排隊也好、電話預購也好，買演唱會票是真心想看表演的人，買限量版郵票或紙幣都是真心有興趣研究的收藏家。

現在: 買票的不是想入場看演唱會的人，買郵票、買紙幣也不是收藏家；總之就是人買我買，買完再以炒價賣出，而最諷刺的是，真正想看演唱會、想收藏限量郵票、紙幣的人，都要花比市價更高昂不知多少倍的價錢才能買到心頭好。

這是甚麼的社會風氣?




之前: 小時候全世界都話要「讀好書，找份好工」，從前全級中最不努力、升不到班、只懂走捷徑、愛賭錢的幾位同學，只會被人看不起。

現在: 管你是學士還是碩士，畢業後變成失業一族的大有人在，即使有一份穩定的工作，扣除生活基本開支、給家用、清還大學貸款後真的所餘無幾，更遑論說儲錢結婚、買樓了。反而當年那幾個最被人看不起的同學，預科畢業也沒有，一早去做地產、做保險，現在位位有車有樓又養幾頭名種狗。

這是甚麼的諷刺?




之前: 有資格申請信用咭的人，最起碼有一個穩定的收入，如果是那些甚麼白金、鑽石咭，更是有一定上下的收入才有資格申請經審核後才可擁有，以這些尊貴的白金咭簽數也算是一種身份的象徵吧!

現在: 管你是甚麼類型的咭，只要你開聲(即使沒有主動要求)，銀行一定開一張給你，因為開咭只是幫銀行那個銷售員儲夠今個月的營業配額而已。簽咭是身份的象徵? 不要講笑了，只有我們香港人那麼cheap才會簽咭，還是買些價錢一千幾百也不到的東西，分一、兩年付款；看看內地同胞們，管你是幾十萬的名牌手袋還是電子產品，一張一張現金找數，這才叫身份的象徵(絕對沒有看不起香港人及有分化兩地人的意思，純粹說出事實)。

這是甚麼的現象?




之前: 上一輩的人，一家可以生3、4個小朋友，當時香港大部份都是基層大眾，教育程度不高，一家收入不多，家務上沒有僱庸姐姐，學業上也沒有星級補習天王的幫助，但個個天生天養，依然養到牛高馬大，刻苦耐勞，然後創一番天地。

現在: 現在中產人士多了，兩夫婦一個月合共有幾萬元入息，都抱怨養一個小朋友要了他們半條命，照計現在比幾十年前多了學校、多了機會、多了媒體資訊、又多了僱庸姐姐的幫助，但偏偏情況好像變得更差；小朋友放學後要補習學東學西，週末又要參加甚麼興趣班、技能提升班，借用「怪獸家長」一書裡面一句說話:「現在培育出來的孩子，精通琴棋書畫、七八種外語、十八般武藝......一屋證書，卻沒有一張是學做人的」。

這是甚麼的教育?




之前: 香港人一談起李嘉誠，人人豎起大姆指，甚麼「華人之光、李超人」等名詞，讚不絕口，當時香港的經濟急速發展，李嘉誠居功厥偉，是許多人的學習榜樣。

現在: 香港人一談起李嘉誠，罵聲不絕，現在港人飽受許多關於衣食住行上之苦，也是拜他所賜，說著「地產霸權、吸血鬼、魔鬼、無良心」這些詞語之同時，人人也依舊會豎起手指向他「致敬」，只不過不是以大姆指，而是用中指...

這是甚麼的所謂商家?




這就是現在的香港，一個我應該很熟悉卻很陌生的地方。我真的很想離開香港，對，只是「想」而已，因為我還未有離開香港的準備，儘管對現在的香港有太多的不滿，但我依然很留戀這地方，因為我是土生土長的香港人，儘管自己過去有好一段時間在外國生活，但我對香港仍然有數不清的回憶及感情。

The voices inside my head are killing me.

Since I started this blog, I tried to keep things in this blog positive, uplifting, peaceful, just general good vibe.
But right now, I want to remind myself, that even when I believe I am exactly where I need to be right now, the 'right now' can still suck. A lot.
It is paralysing.

The voices inside my head are of no help at all.
Not to mention my head is throbbing, this headache of unknown origin is happening.

The voices are telling me-
you can't do anything right.
not even planning something that is supposedly so joyous, so wonderful...
supposedly what everyone seem to make a big deal...
... you can still make it so full of tears
- of loneliness
- of helplessness
- of guilt
- of pain
- of frustration
- of fear
... how is it possible?
I thought the despair and agony was supposed to be over and that nothing can be as bad again.
The emotional roller coaster this year has been challenging.
Right now I feel paralysed. Also I don't know what I can do... the thing is, if it is so bad, what can you possibly do to make it any worse, oh but the fear... the fear of possibly making it worse, is paralysing.
Tomorrow will be a better day, and things that are supposed to happen, will happen.
Breathe.

- other people do not have to change for us to experience peace of mind.

From the book.

Our first step in mind retraining is to establish peace of mind as our single goal. This means thinking of ourselves first in terms of self-fullness, not selfishness. The second step is forgiveness.

Many of us become frustrated when we make the mistake of trying to love others as the first step. In light of our past distorted falues and experiences, some people simply seem unlovable; because of our faulty perception of their behaviour, it is difficult to love them.

When we have peace of mind as a single goal, we can then take the second step, forgiveness, and choose to see others as extending Love, or being fearful and calling for help in the form of Love. With this new perception, it becomes easier to give both total Love and acceptance to the other person and therefore to experience inner peace at the same time.

Gatekeeper

Experiencing life as a disabled person......

dog bite.
third injury in less than 6 months.
:( a sign?

It is easy to fall back in old ways even when there had been glimpse of enlightenments.

There is the constant problem that I have faced.
The constant was me.

It's interesting how in the Awareness pdf that I have been reading, saying how 'me' and 'I' are different.
It's totally confusing me, and perhaps as De Mello mentioned, most people are asleep.
I am asleep.

My favourite vet.

An unexpected surprise when i went for late lunch at the squirrel.
I was gifted with two stories.
One abt how he and his wife got married.
The second one was how he was the rebel of the family.

Even more reason for me to look up to him.

Lesson to be learnt.

Gain some, lose some.
This happens in every single situation, even when you think something is supposed to be really good. like 100% good. nothing is 100% good. there's just things.

Fear...

You cannot fear something that you do not know. Nobody is afraid of the unknown. What you really fear is loss of the known. That's what you fear.

Kids, grown up children, adults.

- today I realise a few things adults could learn from kids, and how grown up children has a role to teach/reassure adults what they taught us when children were kids.

Fear...

"I'm scared as hell to want you, but here I am, wanting you anyway. And fear means I have something to lose, right? And I don't want to lose you."

領略...

Forget all your dreams... just be.
生命就像風箏般，飛得高，跌得快。
生命唯一的出路，就是面對。

Be. Do. Have.

賺人熱淚

http://mywifesfightwithbreastcancer.com/

There will always be a part of me that is dirty and sloppy, but I like that, just like all the other parts of myself. I can forgive. Can you say the same for yourself, fucker? Can you forgive? Are you capable of that?

bawled my eyes out.

...

生命、無常

♪ march on.

hold on. ♪

relationship

- there is no relationship if there is no trust and respect